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How to Talk to Your Teen By Robyn Warner, M.S.,
Three Springs, Inc.
Ms. Warner has devoted her career to the healing and
restoration of children and their families and now oversees the
operations of four therapeutic programs.
Raising a teenager can sometimes feel like walking though a
maze. Parents are constantly confronted with unexpected twists
and turns, and sometimes you feel as though your efforts lead to
nowhere. Although adolescence is challenging for parents and
teens alike, there are steps that parents can take to navigate
the teen years more smoothly. Open and honest communication is
essential for surviving and thriving during the teen years. By
learning how to speak openly with your teen about difficult
topics, you can help make getting through these years easier for
both you and your child. Here are some recommendations for
improving communication with your teenager:
Listen
Listening is probably the most important skill a parent can
have. Understanding what your child is communicating or even
what they are not communicating is crucial to assessing where
your child is emotionally at any given time. Silence can send as
loud a message as an outburst. Parents must ask themselves, what
did our child talk about in the past and why isn’t he or she
talking about it anymore? What particular topics prompt our
child to shut down? Talk about the tough
topics
Parents often become guarded about difficult topics such
as drugs and sex because they feel that talking about it will
prompt their child to start thinking about them or
experimenting. The reality is that children are bombarded with
images, discussion and opportunities to get involved in
dangerous activities every day. Talking about them openly and
honestly may encourage them to speak to you before they act.
If you don’t feel informed enough on a particular topic, then
seek out resources such as friends, relatives, pastors or books
to help you gain the knowledge necessary to be more comfortable
with discussing the subject with your teen. Once you have the
information you need, make difficult topics a part of your
normal day-to-day conversations. It is much harder for teenagers
to adjust to the sudden interjection of potentially embarrassing
subjects than it is if you talk about them regularly. Events in
everyday life offer opportunities for discussion that should not
be passed up. For example, situations that your teen’s friends
are experiencing or books and movies about difficult topics can
be good ways to initiate a conversation. Parents should also
talk about their own mistakes with their children to demonstrate
that learning from mistakes and making better decisions in the
future are the ultimate goals of growing up.
Topics to be aware of:
Keep your cool
Despite your best efforts, there will still be times
when your child may be uncomfortable or even obstinate when it
comes to discussing a particular topic. In situations like
these, parents must approach the situation in a calm and mature
manner. If your teen displays hostility or aggressive behavior,
above all else remain calm and in control of your emotions. You
should not allow your emotions to match your child’s in
intensity or aggression. Remember that you are a role model for
how your child handles conflict in the future. Parents should
avoid arguments even when their child is putting all of his or
her effort into making the discussion combative. If necessary,
give your child time to cool off. Parents should not push a
child to continue a discussion if it is escalating to the point
of screaming or physical violence. When your child has calmed
down, ask how he or she is feeling or what is going on in the
situation. Listen without interruption or judgment.
Give teens a voice
Remember that it is OK for your child to have feelings,
even when those feelings make you uncomfortable. Parents should
never argue with a child about his or her feelings. You should
acknowledge your child’s feelings and realize that understanding
their feelings does not necessarily mean that you feel the same
way. It is important that parents not act shocked or begin
lecturing when talking to their teenager. Lecturing seldom
serves to do anything other than make children less likely to
talk openly with their parents. Parents should make their views
and value systems known, but should do this without neglecting
their child’s feelings.
Seek outside help
If you are still having trouble getting through to your
teen, it may be time to consider outside help. Any of the
following situations is a good reason to seek assistance: your
child displays sudden, unexplained changes in behavior; a
structure of basic rules and consequences is not working; other
people are stating concerns; you suspect drug use; your child
has become aggressive with you; or your child is in legal
trouble.
Important things to remember
Forming a relationship based on trust and respect
through daily interaction and interest in your child’s
activities is the most important thing a parent can do to make
communication easier. Even in difficult times, remember to
express your love for your child and enjoy the challenge of
being a parent.
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